Mister DNA worries that he has lost a couple million brain cells after watching a video clip of horrid and ignorant “Christian comedy,” so I figured that in the interests of science, we should see if a little Bill Hicks can promote neurogenesis. Sit back in your fMRI machine, wire up your cortical electrodes and enjoy. Yes, the language is roughly as coarse as what you’d hear in any middle-school cafeteria on an average day.
The joke about Jackie Onassis and the sniper-rifle pendant may have to be updated for a younger audience. A variation on the following might work:
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus gets back he ever wants to see a goddamn cross? It’s kind of like going up to a 9/11 widow with an “I Heart Osama” button on your shirt. “Hey, ma’am, I just want you to know, we really appreciate your husband’s sacrifice.” [holds out arms and makes airplane noises] “Brrzzzzrrrzzz — boom!”
I’ve been told I resemble Bill Hicks, actually. (So, if I ever fill out one of those personals you see running alongside articles in The Onion, that’s who I’ll have to name in the “celebrity” field. There are worse fates, I guess.) Sometimes I see what they’re talking about, and sometimes not; I’ll let you imagine whether I’ve had an experience like this lecturing physics: