The Creation Museum is Decadent and Depraved

You know, sometimes I regret having a workaday job in the hinterlands of academia (that is to say, two subway stops from MIT). It drastically reduces the quantity and variety of the shenanigans up to which I can get.

To wit, I could never fake a website to create the illusion of a news organization, assume the role of a man inflicted with “Asperger’s Syndrome by Proxy,” bluff my way into Ken Ham’s Creation “Museum” and write the whole thing up, gonzo-style.

Yes, there’s video:

“In the garden,” Ham said, looking over me into the filtering crowd, “you know, the Bible tells us in the garden before sin, in fact in the world before sin, all animals were vegetarian and so was Adam and Eve, and even though they have sharp teeth…”

“Why they have sharp teeth?” I interjected in my slow droning falsetto.

A cameraman, most likely from a local news outlet, rushed to Bunting’s left to film the inspiring exchange.

“Right. There’s a lot of animals that have sharp teeth, uh, that only eat plants,” Ham ruminated, “for instance most, most bears are primarily vegetarian, yet they have teeth like a lion or a tiger…”

“They eat fish!” I vehemently disagreed. “I saw it on the Discovery Chan-nel… but it’s sec-u-lar.”

“Some of them do,” Ham conceded, “but a panda eats only bamboo.”

The interview was going well. Ham was spouting nonsensical creationist rhetoric, and I was in full-blown retard mode. We were like long lost twins. He continued averting his gaze, however. My assumed detriments reminded him of man’s fall from grace. It was time to test this man of God.

Read the whole thing. . . and have a safe and happy Independence Day.

(We were somewhere outside Newton on the Mass Turnpike when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying to Kevin and Mark, “I feel a little strange; maybe you should drive,” and suddenly the air was full of huge pterodactyls, swooping and diving around the yellow Datsun 240Z, and a voice was screaming, “Holy Jesus, what are these goddamn extinct animals?”. . . .)

9 thoughts on “The Creation Museum is Decadent and Depraved”

  1. […]the quantity and variety of the shenanigans up to which I can get.

    That’s one of the most impressive jobs of avoiding ending a sentence with a preposition that I’ve ever seen. Full marks, there, Mr. Stacey!

    This story was a great find, by the way. Were the tactics underhanded? Perhaps, but on far less of a scale than those of Ham himself, I’d say. The gonzo angle only adds to the fun :)

  2. Ham went into a lengthy shtick about “assumptions,” mentioning “carbon dating can only date things back to a hundred thousand years.” This was from a guy who firmly believes the earth is precisely 6003 years old. I pitied the man and his tragically compartmentalized mind. After this day was over, I’d go back to thinking, but he would remain a retard. Poor bastard.

    LOL. The liar can’t even keep his lies straight.

  3. You know, scientists have completely stated that we evolved from apes. But to tell you the truth, we never did evolve from apes. Where is the evidence? Mankind however is something to think about. Us humans were created somehow unique,not just from a primate did we develop. What I really believe is that God created the earth and the universe and all life. Just look at the sky or spot the farthest planet. Who really shaped everything into place? Could it just be a coincidence or is a being far intelligent and powerful intervening and laying out the course of this world? What I know from experiences with nature is that God who is almighty must have formed all life on earth. If you read Genesis1:20-24 it talks about all animal life on earth. So just by observing the world today in all its discoveries and wonders, creatures of all different origins have been around for many thousands of years may be millions of years.

  4. You know, that is the thing between scietists and creationists. Creationists use a valuable source of evidence known as the bible while scienists still use data that is irrelevant to man according to the first human beings according to Darwin. The bible as christians know it as is true. The problem for scientists is that some events in the bible cannot be proven physically but spiritually. Such as how was the earth created? What was behind the big bang? Where did the galaxies come from? I myself have wondered about this and have concluded that God created everything we see. It is by faith not by sight-2nd corinthians 5:7. So, by placing all trust in a God we never did know before, we can only know that God is the creator of all things. And that the scriptures themselves gives an account of God laying the foundations in Genesis.

  5. In which of the Bible’s two creation stories do you have faith, Genesis 1 or Genesis 2? Remember, they’re not the same story! In the first one, God creates male and female living things together, but in the second, Adam is created first, he gets to name some animals, then he feels lonely and God makes him a mate.

    A “source of evidence” which can’t get its own story straight is not so valuable. If you sat on a jury, would you vote to convict a man if all the witnesses against him changed their testimony halfway through?

    And why doesn’t the Bible mention things like dinosaur fossils, or the Solar System, or galaxies? Why does it spend so long giving instructions on how to commit genocide (see the seventh and twentieth chapters of Deuteronomy, for example, or 1 Samuel 15) but no time on practical information like the fact that germs cause diseases? The Psalms say that we’re allocated “threescore years and ten” of life, but we didn’t get to live that long until modern medicine came around.

    Why doesn’t either Testament mention, even in passing, a continent called America?

    With all due respect, if you want people who do not already “have faith” in your scriptures to acquire that faith, you have to show them some reason to like your scriptures. Saying that the scriptures themselves say the scriptures are good is of no use.

  6. I don’t have one. Got a lot of friends who do, but it never rubbed off. If you’d like to talk to a religious fellow who still knows his science, why not say hello to Scott Hatfield (he’s a nice guy).

    Now that I’ve answered your question, do you have answers for mine? I’ve got plenty more, too.

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