The Honorable Frank Easterbrook, presiding over the judgment of the Q-Ray Ionized Bracelet (billed as a cure-all to end all cure-alls) had this to say in his ruling.

Defendants might as well have said: “Beneficent creatures from the 17th Dimension use this bracelet as a beacon to locate people who need pain relief, and whisk them off to their homeworld every night to provide help in ways unknown to our science.”

Sweet, sweet truth. Clearly, the aliens arrive in flying saucers, or better yet, flying Russell’s Teapots.

Judge Easterbrook also remarked thusly about “testimonials” which the Q-Ray people threw about to make their bracelet sound effective:

A person who experiences a reduction in pain after donning the bracelet may have enjoyed the same reduction without it. That’s why the “testimonial” of someone who keeps elephants off the streets of a large city by snapping his fingers is the basis of a joke rather than proof of cause and effect.

Tip o’ the fedora to Rebecca.