WARNING: This post rated NSFW-17 by the Mainstream Prose Association of America. Contains multiple instances of foul language, all of them, given the subject matter, entirely warranted.

Normally, I take a pretty sanguine attitude to arguments about movies. You can maybe argue somebody into finding a film historically significant, technically accomplished or philosophically interesting, but arguing them into liking or disliking it? I’m not so sure. The popcorn bucket has its reasons, which reason knows not. Debate over matters of sentiment is often a spectacularly futile effort.

(Hackers fan: “Orbital! Angelina Jolie in a catsuit!” Sneakers fan: “Character development! Token attempts at scientific realism! Sir Sidney Poitier curb-stomping thugs and screaming, “Motherfuckers mess with me, I split your head!”)

It is decidedly rare that I find myself agreeing fully with any critic about any particular film. (If I agree completely with anyone about anything, I risk losing my academic license.) And it is most uncommon that, should a panoply of critics each attribute vices to a movie, I find myself in accord with the whole bunch. Until recently, I thought such a consonance was impossible.

Then I saw The Last Airbender.

Every bad thing which I have ever heard anyone say about The Last Airbender is true. The Last Airbender is not so much an adaptation of the original, much beloved animated series, as it is a retelling of scattered plot points from the show’s first season, squeezed through a head which was more botfly than brain and brought to undeath in the hands of a filmmaker whose mediocrity bows to nothing but his ego.

You see, the plot of the original Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon was not in and of itself terribly special. It compresses pretty well: The Chosen One, who has magical powers, must defeat the Evil Overlord, also possessed of magical powers, though somewhat different. The Kolmogorov complexity is in the details, and those details were explored and developed over three whole seasons of television, with very little wasted time. Porting that story — or even just the first third of it, as Last Airbender nominally tries to do — to a different platform is no easier than adapting a novel beloved for its richness of character and setting.

An artist could succeed at this task; a competent craftsperson familiar with the practical tools of cinema could make something enjoyable out of it. With Last Airbender, neither artistry nor competence are in evidence.

Fortunately, I was drunk when I discovered this.

And I had access to Twitter.

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I have a copy of the LAST AIRBENDER movie, a bottle of hard cider and access to Twitter. What does this suggest?
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey Frighteningly profane, drunken tweets?
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Logo effects clearly intended for 3D are quite amusing on a laptop screen.
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Looks like nobody wanted before-the-title billing.
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The interaction between live actors and CG is slightly worse than in JURASSIC PARK.
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“In this time of war, food is scarce.” Thank you, Katara voice over.
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Thanks, movie, but you can’t convince me that’s not a matte painting.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey How does it compare to Sharktopus?
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Yes, the giant ball of ice rising from beneath the surface is probably a “Fire Nation trick”.
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Sweet Jebus, the actors are whiter than the polar ice pack they’re walking on.
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“Did you see that light shoot into the sky?”
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Sokka is hit by Appa’s tail: “It’s trying to eat me.”
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Jump cut to Aang changing clothes inside igloo. Confusing.
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The USS Zuko is pulling up to the village. So much for penguin sledding. Or, you know, seeing what the war did to the Water Tribe.
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HOLY FUCK, HE’S BROWN. HE MUST BE THE VILLAIN.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey Are you like 5 minutes into the film now???
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@drskyskull I’m tweeting in real time.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey I’m appalled that Zuko’s arrived at the village in under 10 mins. This must be the Cliff Notes of Avatar.
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“I am Prince Zuko. Son of the Fire Lord and heir to the throne. My face is slightly blemished!!”
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“They dragged Mom away the same way when we were babies.” Thank you, Exposition Katara. I think your brother knew that.
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CG on Appa’s fur is slightly less realistic than that in MONSTERS, INC.
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“My name is EEE-roh.” EEE-roh.
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OK, continuity nod: Sokka and Katara’s grandmother mentions her “friend Hama”.
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How is it that two teenagers haven’t heard of the Spirit World before? Like, at all?
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey I believe the movie was originally optioned as an audiobook.
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The Fire Nation is “frightened” of spirits, and THAT’s why they don’t like the Avatar? Belch.
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skullsinthestars
Anyone who hates Shyamalan’s “Airbender” movie and wants to hear it ridiculed, @blakestacey is live-tweeting it now…
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Fight choreography: more cartoony than the cartoon.
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Music cue for Aang’s epic escape: about as trite as could be imagined.
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“The monks named me Ong.”
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OK, we’ve got a field of dessicated, fleshless bones. I bet ol’ M. Night named each one after a critic.
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The Big NOO! ruined Darth Vader, and now it’s ruined the Avatar State.
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Wait, echoey flashback voices to something which happened 90 seconds ago? what is this, THE PHANTOM PLANET?
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Spirit Dragon is angry.
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“That’s right, John: the Fire Lord has banished the prince, and believes his son is too soft!”
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OK, we’ve finally got movie!Iroh drinking tea.
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Sokka: “Are you the Avatar, Ong?” Ong: “No, that’s my friend, AANG. Natural mistake.”
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Katara’s incompetence has gotten everybody captured. Strangely, Ong, who has already defeated this many Firebenders, does nothing.
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“How did this happen to your village?” Christ, I heard better dialogue in the Nintendo DRAGON WARRIOR.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey “All your Avatars are belong to us!”
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“There’s Earth right beneath your feet! The ground is an extension of Who. You. Are!”
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Firebenders imprison Earthbenders…on top of dirt. And it works. Everyone in this movie is a fucking idiot.
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And the Waterbending instruction scroll is just sitting in the garden shed?
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Wait, of all the episodes we get continuity nods to, they had to pick “Avatar Day”? Fuck that noise.
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Wait, Avatars have to learn the elements in the order of the cycle? So much for the J’ong J’ong episode.
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The entire idea of getting KATARA a waterbending teacher has just been passed over.
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This is quite possibly the most generic Fantasy Chanting soundtrack I’ve ever heard.
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Katara voiceover++;
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey We really need to get together and make an iRiff sometime…
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Ong has trouble with waterbending. This despite the original’s well-developed theme that EARTH-bending is hardest for him
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(cont’d) Earth being the conceptual/spiritual opposite of Air
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“That’s right, Jon. I conducted a raid on the great library and found scrolls about the Ocean and Moon spirits…”
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“There are a lot of pretty girls in this town, Zuko.” EEE-roh wins the movie so far, for what little that’s worth.
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OK, Azula’s cameo could not be more obvious.
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I don’t want to say it ruins the subtlety of her original flashback introduction, but it ruins the subtlety of her original introduction.
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Wait a minute, they haven’t discussed the Spirit Dragon vision thing until now?
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Ong sucks at giving sitreps.
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Random Earth-kingdom villager happens to be waiting at Northern Air Temple and knows all about hidden chamber of secrets^H^Hstatues.
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When was the last time we had a scene which DIDN’T have clumsy exposition crammed into it?
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Villager turns out to be a double-agent. Makes the scene suck slightly less.
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More echoey flashbacks to 45 seconds ago. Ruining what little good will had just been built up.
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“That’s right, Jon. I won’t kill the Avatar, because he’d just be reborn.”
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Somehow, Zuko has found out Ong’s location and is about to spring him. Oh, I wish we had a voice over explaining how he got that intel.
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“That’s right, Jon. The Avatar has escaped! Seal the gates!”
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Movie!Blue Spirit does have bitchin’ hair, I’ll say that.
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Uh-oh. It’s the “Ong can’t abandon the man who helped him!” music.
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Whoa. At last we get FIRE in this fight with FIRE-benders.
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Tobasco da Gama
@blakestacey Now, John, at some point you are going to have DINOSAURS on your DINOSAUR tour? Hello?
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Fearsome Fire-bending Army stymied by slight fog.
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Reveal of movie!Zuko’s face behind Blue Spirit mask reveals that movie!Zuko is basically scarless.
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This movie isn’t just making me nostalgic for the AVATAR cartoon. It’s making me nostalgic for the GOLDEN COMPASS movie. For fuck’s sake.
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“That’s right, Jon. I believe the Fire Lord’s son…is a TRAITOR.”
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EEE-roh is getting a foot massage. Still winning the movie. Which ain’t that great a prize, sad to say.
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From the people who brought you echoey flashbacks: ECHOEY VILLAIN VOICEOVERS.
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Chris Granade
@blakestacey The Golden Compass movie was what cinched it for me that we need to not be afraid of TV miniseries.
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Northern Water Tribe city = easily the best design we’ve seen so far
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Immediately ruined by Katara voiceover: “My brother and the princess became friends right away.” WHAT IS IT WITH YOU, MOVIE?
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Soh-ka actor does a decent job looking lovestruck.
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Ruined again by Katara voiceover immediately thereafter.
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Soh-ka volunteers to guard the Princess. Old guy: “I had a feeling you might”. Why are old people the only non-sucky roles in this schlock?
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“That’s right, Jon. We have deciphered the locations of the Moon and Ocean spirits.”
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“You’re saying it’s our destiny to have found this information?” “That’s right, Jon.”
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“Here with a counterpoint is Senior Fire Nation Correspondent, John Oliver. John?”
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So, this old guy is Master Paku? And he has no problem with girls in his class? There goes another character arc.
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Zhao is glad EE-roh could accept his invitation to join the Fire Navy. We never got to see said invitation, of course.
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Quiet scene between Zhao and EE-roh almost, almost works. With a little less throat-cramming of exposition, it would have been nice.
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I don’t think they had the kindness to give “the Princess” a name.
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“You didn’t tell me that”. “You didn’t ask”. AAAGH MY EARS.
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Could it be? Are we finally nearing the end of the stapled-on “Ong can’t waterbend” subplot?
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Ash from the Fire Navy falling onto the Water Tribe city. Fairly effective moment. Waiting to see how it’ll be ruined.
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[bathroom/get-more-cider break]
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I should note: we just had a scene in which you couldn’t tell which side of Zuko’s face was supposed to be scarred. Yeah.
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Effective moment followed by EE-roh scene? It’s too late to become decent now, movie.
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Zuko can apparently generate fire without having a source.
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“Is there a spiritual place where I can meditate?”
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The (unnamed?) Princess’ actor at least looks happy to be in a movie.
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[irrelevant exposition-throat-cram from Ong]
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OK, I guess they had to shove the Ong/Katara love story in here somewhere.
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But now Zuko needs a torch to make fire?
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Tobasco da Gama
@blakestacey He still needs a source, he’s just forgotten that the fire was in him all along.
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Katara’s water-tentacles don’t look WORSE than the one in THE ABYSS…
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“My name is Katara. You killed my tribe. Prepare to die.” #wouldhavebeensomuchbetter
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Wow, she got trounced fast.
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Did she not see the giant ball of flame approaching from a slightly different direction?
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Zuko feels compelled to explain himself to the unconscious Katara. #thatdidntcomeoutright
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Movie!northern water tribe sucks at defense even harder than cartoon!northern water tribe.
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Zhao+EE-roh scene. Not bad.
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I’d forgive this movie a nonnegligible bit if it did an Odessa Steps homage right about now. #filmstudenttomydyingday
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Zuko now explaining himself to unconscious Ong. #oopsididitagain
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Echoey flashbacks to dialogue of 2 minutes ago is a recurring theme we could have done without.
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Spirit Dragon: “As the Avatar you were not meant to hurt others”? Um, did M. Night not see the goddamn series finale?
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Zuko did a pretty incompetent job of tying Ong down, I must say. I should introduce him to a girl I know…
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“That’s right, Jon. We’re going to go medieval on the Moon Spirit with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.”
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Ong hiding behind Zuko’s back as he looks around is more Looney Toones than AVATAR.
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Katara freeze-trapping Zuko is the best thing done by any character under age 35.
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Zuko’s “scar” is basically premature crow’s feet at this point.
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Whoa. I’d forgotten Appa was in this movie. That’s not a good thing.
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Again, Zuko is making quite a bit of heat for somebody who needed a torch a few scenes ago.
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Mandvi is doing a pretty good job of looking drunk on power.
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Nameless Princess has a fainting spell. God, women are useless, aren’t they, M. Night?
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Water tentacle falls down and splashes. Fails to get guy standing right there wet.
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In a better movie, EE-roh’s flaming-hands trick just now would have been pretty cool. As it is, it just feels wasted.
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Ong watches the devastation IN SLOW MOTION. Because it is DEVASTATING.
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Fuck, EE-roh in a scene full of the teenagers.
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The contrast makes even the good actor intolerable in context.
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OK, I gotta pause and make sure I get this line right:
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“It is time we show the Fire Nation that we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs.”
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[headdesk]
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey After that line, did the Water Nation soldiers turn and run screaming, totally demoralized?
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Chris Granade
@drskyskull I’m guessing any remaining viewers did!
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skullsinthestars
@cgranade *I* certainly would have…
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“But, Yue…” “I’m scared! Don’t make me more scared!”
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Hey, at least she got a name.
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And the Moon Spirit comes back. The Water-benders start fighting the Fire Nation troops again…by jumping on them.
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Not, you know, by water-bending or anything.
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Chris Granade
@blakestacey That wasn’t an exaggeration? Holy shit, this sounds worse than I thought!
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The music is telling me I should be sad-but-inspired now. [shrug] [cider!]
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The Water-benders did a sorry-ass job of putting out the fires burning in their own streetlights.
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You know, the way PAKU’S OWN DEFENCE PLAN SAID TO.
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Zhao gets taken out by some random water-bender troops?
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Chris Granade
@drskyskull Man, this is making me want to watch the real show, tho. If it’s good enough to inspire such agony over a bad movie…
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Who then just run away?
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Instead of, you know, capturing the leader of the invading army?
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Who is, at least, obviously a powerful firebender, judging from what they just saw themselves?
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So much for cartoon!Aang’s guilt over the destruction he caused in the Avatar State.
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skullsinthestars
@cgranade You’ve never seen it? I consider the “Airbender” series to be one of the best TV series ever made. Highly recommended.
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OK, movie: at least ONE of those flying icicles should have motherfucking stabbed a motherfucker.
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Comic flashbacks in the middle of a “tense” battle scene? Let’s not, movie.
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City square full of Fire- and Water-benders attacking each other. With swords.
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Thomas Levenson
@blakestacey We live in interesting times.
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Trailer-worthy picture of big wave ruined by girlish giggle from movie!Katara.
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The shots on the doomed Fire Navy boats are decent. Must be the work of the second-unit director.
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Chris Granade
@drskyskull Somehow I missed it. Quite glowing praise, tho!
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skullsinthestars
@cgranade I only watched it because I once accidentally caught it while channel surfing — only took one episode to get hooked!
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Chris Granade
@drskyskull Sounds like me and Buffy. Didn’t think I’d get hooked, but didn’t take more than one or two eps to change that.
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So, Ong…spooked the Fire Navy…into going away?
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a) Implausible, b) screws over a pretty important theme of seasons 2 and 3
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“They want you to be their Avatar, Ong.” “Sorry, they should talk to my friend Aang. Everybody makes that mistake.”
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Ong should look like he’s shouldered a great burden by accepting the Avatar gig. He looks gassy.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey Well, that *is* one way to “bend air”…
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@drskyskull Knew somebody would rise to that challenge.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey I’ve become sadly predictable as I’ve gotten older.
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Oh, Christ on a pogo stick: exposition-throat-cram AND a sequel hook?
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Azula is awfully bubbly for a person who’s supposed to be under total self-control.
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“written, produced and directed by M. Night Shyamalan” — words which will live as a cautionary tale for generations to come.
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the cartoon’s creators are “executive producers” on the movie. Proof, I think, that “executive producers” have no influence at all.
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All of the titles in these credits could be replaced with “had bills to pay”.
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I feel kinda bad for the people listed under the obscure technical roles. Did they ask to be part of this?
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I mean, THE LAST AIRBENDER is a greater scar than any 1st assistant accountant should have to bear.
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey Maybe they’re like accountants who don’t realize they’re actually running the books for the mafia.
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In total fairness, I should say that it probably wasn’t an “Avatar Day” reference earlier:
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the credits refer to an “old man of Kiyoshi Village”
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so they were probably supposed to be on Kiyoshi Island (hence the statue)
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which doesn’t make it a good scene, per se, just not a reference to an unusually bad episode of the series
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“3D conversion by Stereo D”? Now you know who to call when you want your movie to suck even harder than it did before. Thanks, Stereo D!
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“The Producers wish to thank […] Marriott Hotels of Philadelphia”? Do I want to know?
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“This project was made possible with the support of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania”? Man, PA has bad karma.
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MPAA logo! Our long national nightmare is ALMOST OVER!
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[long, long sigh]
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skullsinthestars
@blakestacey “He went like one that hath been stunned, And is of sense forlorn: A sadder and a wiser man He rose the morrow morn.”
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With a different director and screenwriter, and using only the actors over 40, THE LAST AIRBENDER could have been a good flick.
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A person who actually cared about AVATAR would have told a smaller chunk of story, or set a new story somewhere in that world
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and the world of cartoon!AVATAR is definitely rich enough to support that
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e.g., “The Seige of Ba Sing Se” could have made a great live-action sword-and-sandal flick
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(think GLADIATOR with telekinetic powers)
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but noooo, all that money, and they fucked it up completely.
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We hope you enjoyed this episode of Blake Procrastinating on Important Science Things by Carrying Scorn-Coals to Pop-Culture Newcastle. Join us next time, when someone he thought was a friend betrays him and lends him an omnibus edition of Stephenie Meyer.