Deep Quandaries of Metaphysics

Some questions can be asked in a single sentence, yet despite (or perhaps with the aid of) their brevity, they probe the deepest passages of meaning and the darkest abyssals of mystery. For example, “Will super glue stick to teflon?”

Last night, while drinking down beverages flavored with improbable syrups, Joshua and I came up with another: “What happens when an alien facehugger attaches to a zombie?”

I hope everyone appreciates the profundity of these conundra.

And just think, without the Internet, you probably would never have heard of them. Makes you wonder what else you’ve been missing all these years.

Most Christians happily disavow Baal and the Flying Spaghetti Monster without reference to monographs of Baalian exegesis or Pastafarian theology.

Richard Dawkins

For the record, I think Predator vs. Alien vs. Night of the Living Dead came up when we were talking about Kaavya Viswanathan. “If they had hired me to write an inspiring book for teenage girls about a young woman who goes to Harvard,” I said, “I would have had her meet the admissions interviewer in chapter 1. The interviewer says she’s got good grades, but she needs more extracurricular activities. So, in chapter 2 — fast forward through the clubs and the senior prom — she gets into Harvard and her parents drive her to Cambridge in their Range Rover. Then, in chapter 3, she gets bitten by a vampire, and the biotech lab in Roxbury explodes, releasing a zombie-making virus all over Boston. So, young Emerald and her friends have to use her growing vampire powers to fight the legions of undead moaning their way up Massachusetts Avenue. . . and that’s why they don’t hire me to write inspiring books for teenagers.”

7 thoughts on “Deep Quandaries of Metaphysics”

  1. Just to defend my honour, Blake’s drink was the one flavoured with syrup. I was drinking straight up Maker’s Mark.

    Otherwise, the description is accurate.

  2. Apparently, teflon was figured out long before nonstick pans came on the market. The trick was figuring out how to affix the teflon onto the pan itself.

  3. I believe that the answer is to sandblast the zombalien hybrids, then apply a small coat of superglue, and finish it off with a layer of teflon.

    At that point, they become EXTRA scary, as now there are zombalien hybrids that CAN’T BE GRIPPED roaming the streets. Only an extremely powerful Harvard student/vampire/pirate can potentially thwart the nefarious schemes of such non-stick hordes.

  4. The vampire/zombie Boston Brawl sounds like an improbable mashup between Laurel K Hamilton and Joss Whedon. At least to me.

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